Here It Is.

Well I have had a girl on my mind for quite some time. Try for four years if you count this year. She means the most to me as a friend. She is a better freind than I could have ever asked for. This year esp. my feelings have grown tremendously for her to the point of love in a high school sense for my bro. I don't understand why but whenever I'm around her all i can think about is her and I get the same feeling even when I'm not with her. Lately, however, things have gone in an opposite direction of the way I would like to see them go. She is taken and not by me but by an other. Do I wish it was me? Heck yea I do. I would give anything to make her mine. But lately she has made it quite clear that she just wants to remain friends. That's fine but I still think about her constantly and it's driving me crazy. I try to get over her by telling myself that our fiendship is more important, but everyone around me and I myself know i'm kidding myself. I am praying that god was just using this situation as a test as a way to reassure my faith in Him. If so, then it is working. Slowly but surely. Only problem is that now whenever I'm around her I don't want to talk as much to keep feelings inside and that she has taken a liitle bit of who I was and who I wanted to remain as a person. But now I feel like all the other girls I like, although I would be setteling for them, I now want to draw away from so as not to get hurt again. I see evidence of this everyday as well. I just wish that some day the sercumstances will change and that maybe someday I can call her mine.

On a good or somewhat scary note I have recieved my licence today and am now a legal driver. So everyone look out for a turquious cutlus supreme. Anyhow, again I would like to thank God for the many blessings he has givin me as I stated in my last post. Matt and Ashley I love you both. Becky you're the best sister anyone could ask for and I love you so much. Mom and dad and Bob and Dena I love you all. And congrats Bob and Dena on the baby. Amanda even though she'll never read this I do love you. And last but will always be number one is God and Jesus whom I put all my faith and love into. Thank you so much for your forgiveness.

Good Day, Ben Martin(GHOST118.) 

confused? I don't know.

I'm not so sure how this will turn out. My life has been so blessed. God has provided a wonderfull mom and dad, who takes me hunting which is my favorite thing to do, an awsome brother and the most amazing sister that anyone could ask for.He has given me a wealth of knolage and an ability to pick things up quickly. He has given me a loving church family and pretty much second set of parents(Bob and Denia, Traci.) that care and love for me so much. He has given me a great friend and brother i Christ, Josh Crosby, that i can fellowship with and start a bible study with. Plus the countless other friends i have. As you can see he has rewarded me so much and i dont even deserve it. I find my self turning my back on him and then coming straight back to Him for forgiveness. I know that i have to stop and that with his help i can do so. Sometimes i just hate myself for doing that to the One who has given me everything i could ask for. I know from what my brother has tought me is that i must crucifie myself everytime i do sin and i try and then try to find things that get me back with god and i know i shouldn't out of that feeling but rather out of love. Which is the reason i decided to start a bible study at school with my favorite guy, Josh Crosby.What i'm confused about i don't know. i have to weigh His gifts against my sins and see which is more important. That shouldn't be hard. Deffinately rather go after God and turn from the wicked.

I know this is a jump in subjects but just thought i would throw this in there for my siblings. First of all, Becky, i want you to know that mom and dad and matt love you. I also want you to know that i love you very very much and i don't want you to ever forget that.And i'm proud of you becky for how hard you work and how smart you have become. Most importently though is that God loves you and will always be there for you. Can't wait to see you this weekend and snuggle with you. Second of all, Matt, thanks so much for being an encouragement for me. Thanks for the great time in Dayton. To let you know i'm so happy for you and Ashley and i'm proud of you. You made a great choice in a wife and especially as a sister-in-law,haha. You tell her i said that. Thanks again, both of you for being there for me and supporting me and loving me.

Now you know the rest of the story,

Ben Martin (more commonly know as GhostSlayer118)

struggles we face and the ONE who can help.

Hello,

I'm new here but i have some things to say. Well first of all I have some decisions i have to make. Some are lager than other but in their own way they are all important. I a still pondering on one inparticular. This decision would have me go to mexico for a summer or a year depending on my commitment to do mision work with the crossroads staff. This decision has time to wait however as i would wait till after high school to do this. I feel that by me staying down there would help me grow closer to god and help me focus on the important things in life. I went to Mexico last month for those of you who don't know and had a wonderful time. Not only were the people great but they were also happy and not afraid to show that they loved god. I had the oppritunite to spend a night with a family that went to the church we stayed at. This family welcomed Andy another boy who went with me, and I into their home. They not only treated us like family but with respect. Just to see how god can make someone happy even though they are poor is an amazing thing to see. I would enjoy going again and seeing the freinds I made and also to get away from the hecticness of the town in which I live.

I also have made the decision to postpone my drivers ed a month to go to Dayton to spend time with my brother and sister. I know that this is a small decision but it has been a while since I've seen one of them or spent some quality time with them. Plus my brother is getting married so i may not see as much of him as I used to. Also i just really love them both and my sister got a new dog so i have got to see it.

My last decision is not to buy an XBOX360 and save my money for something that gets me active and outside, something that I love to do and want to get into more. Airsoft or paintball. I haven't decided which one yet but I'm leaning more toward airsoft. Not only is it the cheapest way to go but the guns look more realistic. The only thing is that in order to get a good gun that will last a while I'de have to dish out $200+. Where as i could buy a paintball gun for about the same price and have more people to play with. Well I'm sure I'll figure something out, but in the meantime I'll try to stay focused on more important decisions and the one that can help. My number 1 hero. God.

Good day, His follower. John 3:16.